#heartofawarrior

So if you’ve followed my blog long enough you’d know I had an ectopic pregnancy before I had my daughter Kairi. I used to think in had the strongest heart to be able to handle that situation the way I did. To grow and become an even better mom after a loss. And I still believe this….

But…. I met a lady in my MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) who talked about struggling with infertility and had multiple losses and failed attempts. But even after all the loss she kept trying. She never gave up. Then one day she finally had her rainbow baby.

To see that kind or strength made me realize that I may have a warrior heart but she is the true warrior.

To those women and families that struggle with infertility, miscarriage, infant loss, and anything in between you are the true MVPs. You are the best parents because even through all that you still have the strength to be amazing. And those of you who haven’t had your rainbow baby I still think your MVPs. Because even though your babies Might Not be in your arms you still have scuba strong love for them.

Talk soon,

Marena

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#lovethiskid

My oh my, my daughter will be 1 here soon (4 days). This here has flown by. She’s hot a stage where she doesn’t want to snuggle and drink her bottle and fall asleep. That’s great but it breaks my heart every night. I miss my sweet newborn who needed me to feed her.

You know I couldn’t breast feed my daughter longer than 5 weeks and even then it was a huge struggle. I was so upset it wasn’t working for me (in fact I still feel upset). It makes me wonder if the reason my daughter doesn’t want to snuggle more is because we never had that true intimate bond breast feeding can create. Don’t get me wrong I know my daughter loves me a ton but its still a thought I have. She’s miss independent.

But then you have nights like tonight where she refuses to sleep unless she’s in my arms. It’s those moments I realize just home much she loves me and I love her.

Talk soon,

Marena

#momlife

Ah yes Mom life…. The never ending journey of growth!

Technically I became a mother the day I found out I was pregnant with my angel baby. I never expected my first mom life momemt to be mixed with such joy and sadness in such a short time. I knew I was pregnant for 2 weeks before I found out I had lost my baby. I then spent another 2 weeks of technically being pregnant and another month after that where I was no longer pregnant but my body felt like it was. I went from being so excited and ready to being a mom to wanting to crawl under a rock and never come out.

I talked with people and shared my sadness but I never truly told anyone how much pain I was in. Not even my husband. It was a pain that I just couldn’t explain. And honestly it was a pain I felt I deserved. Now don’t get me wrong I knew there was nothing I did wrong and sometimes these things happen. But all I could think was how it was MY body that couldn’t grow this baby and MY body rejected not anyone else’s. Mine! I read a few books and prayed a lot and I finally came to turns with everything. But even 2 years later I still have my moments where I fall back into that sadness and anger at myself.

But then I got pregnant with my daughter Kairi. I had a new mom life moment. One filled with joy and happiness. One that’s also filled with sleepy nights and cold meals. You know because if baby doesn’t sleep then I don’t sleep. Not to mention everyone’s gotta have food before I even get a moment to sit. But I wouldn’t change it for the world!

Then it leads into my new mom life moment! I officially got the all clear to try for another baby! Even with all the crazy in my life I’m excited to go at it again! Baby number 2 here we come!

Talk soon,

Marena

Lessons From the 10 Day Self-Love Challenge

Well I did it! I took 10 days to dig deep and truly love myself. Each day I found I had a little different perspective on my life. Some days were super easy and others I really had to think. Let me tell you those days were hard.

I found I spend my day to day life acting and telling others how much I love myself and cherish myself but in reality I’m my own worst critic. I put myself down, give up, have bad thoughts about myself, and so much more. But I also have moments where I show myself love and thats good but don’t acknowledge it and that’s bad.

I started this 10 Day journey questioning if I couldn’t love myself how was I supposed to teach my daughter to herself. Although I may not be a rock star yet I feel like I’m on my way to being the next Sheyrl Crow. (Okay don’t laugh at the comparison but it’s the best I had). I found that even recognizing the simplest of things is a great way to show love to myself. I don’t need to have some big gesture to show myself in great, special, and mean the world to myself. Heck even taking a moment to relax in the bath is great way to show appreciation to myself.

All in all I found this self love challenge was pretty great!

I think once a week I’m going to sit down when I can find some alone quiet time and reflect on all the great things thing happened to me. And throughout the reflection I’m going to give myself an imaginary pat on the back. Reminding me just how great I truly am!

10 Day Self-Love Day 10

Day 10: What is one thought about yourself you need to let go?

I often times find myself saying “I can’t” several times a day.

I can’t go to the beach.

I can’t wash the dishes tonight.

I can’t make dinner.

I can’t take it anymore.

I can’t be the first to talk.

I can’t lead a group of women (referring to my MOPS group).

I can’t commit to a bible study weekly.

I can’t do that.

I can’t drink that much water.

I can’t this.

I can’t that.

It doesn’t matter the day or the sentence but I’m telling others and myself I can’t do something often. I need to realize I CAN do so much. The task could be extreamly simple or extremely hard yet I count myself out before I even give it a try.

Saying I can’t right away has lost me so many opportunities to make new friends and do new things. Sometimes it’s made me so stressed the next day I feel overwhelmed. Or it’s made me miss out on a special moment with my husband and worse yet a special moment with my daughter.

I want to let go of the feeling that I “can’t” do something. I want to replace it with I can! And I will!

And then actually do it!

Talk soon,

Marena

10 Day Self-Love Day 9

Day 9: What do others always compliment you on?

When I asked my husband what I’m most complimented on he asked from him or the general public. I told him either and he said my butt. 😂

Good with children.

Kind.

Understanding.

Artistic.

When people are complimenting you they are not lying. Most likely you’re just not taking them seriously.

I need to take more time to really listen to others when they have nice things to say about me. But mostly I need to try harder to believe them. I also found I need to start complimenting myself. Not in a conceded way but in an I love myself way.

Talk soon,

Marena

10 Day Self-Love Day 8

Day 8: 5 things your are grateful for and why.

1. My parents. Without them I wouldn’t be here. Without them I wouldn’t know joy, happiness, or love. They have always been so passionate about showing us joy and happiness that there was almost never a day where I was just completely sad or angry. But most importantly they constantly loved me even on the days where they probably contemplated pushing me off a cliff. 😂 I could be a little tough to handle.

2. My husband. As a young girl who looked different I often worried I’d never find someone to love me and find me beautiful. But then I did…. My husband makes it a goal to show me how beautiful i am and how much he loves me on a daily basis. So much like my parents my husband also helps me have veryy few completely sad days.

3. My children. My first that I lost from an ectopic pregnacy taught me what it truly means to lose something. Now I’ve been around death and I’ve lost family member but for some reason this loss touched me more than anything. And my daughter Kairi taught me what it truly means to have something. Both children have taught me a lot and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

4. A roof over my head. So many people take this for granted. Living in Hawaii I think I’ve seen more homeless people than I ever have before. It makes me so grateful that my life is strable enough to allow me and my family to have a warm dry home to come to.

5. I’m thankful for my MOPS group. MOPS has been so amazing! I’ve met so many new people and I feel like I’ve grown as a woman, wife, and mother and it’s mostly because of MOPS!

Talk soon,

Marena